15 “If your brother or sister sins
against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they listen to
you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. 16 But if
they won’t listen, take with you one or two others so that every word may be established by the mouth
of two or three witnesses. 17 But if they still won’t
pay attention, report it to the church. If they won’t pay attention even to the
church, treat them as you would a Gentile and tax collector. 18
I assure you that whatever you fasten on earth will be fastened in heaven. And
whatever you loosen on earth will be loosened in heaven. 19
Again I assure you that if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask,
then my Father who is in heaven will do it for you. 20 For
where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m there with them.”
21 Then Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, how
many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Should I forgive
as many as seven times?”
22 Jesus said, “Not just seven times, but
rather as many as seventy-seven times.
Today we’re continuing in a series
of messages on “Living as the RISEN Body of Christ.” Since Easter, we’ve been exploring what it
means for us to not only call ourselves members of the Body of Christ, but also
what it means to actually live like it.
We are
meant to live in community. It’s been
said that one of the greatest things about being part of the church are the
people! And one of the most difficult
things about being part of the church are . . . the people! Where two or three are gathered, someone is eventually
going to rub someone else the wrong way.
We call that conflict.
Even as we try to live in harmony with each other, within
established boundaries of a healthy Christian community, there will still be
times when we “miss the mark.” Whether
intentionally or accidentally, there are times when our words or our actions
offend one another with the potential of harming our life and work
together. The Greek word for “sin” is hamartia, and it literally means, “to
miss the mark.” As one rabbi explained:
You shoot an arrow, but it misses the target. Maybe it hits someone’s backside, someone you
didn’t even know was there. You didn’t
mean it, but it’s still a sin. Or maybe
you knew he was there—his backside is where you were aiming. Now that’s a sin! (Forest, “Rest for our Souls,”
p. 30).
Matthew 18 are Jesus’ instructions for resolving conflict
within the Church. Think of it! Have you ever heard of conflict within the
Church? Mercy! Christians unable to get along with each
other – my heavens! Have you heard of
such a thing??!
For
some reason, people - even people in the church - think that following Jesus is
easy. Real churches have real conflict,
which Jesus anticipated.
Conflict
does not kill churches. Refusing to deal with conflict does. In Matthew 18, Jesus gave us a four-step process
for resolving conflict.
Step One: Go to the offender one-on-one in
private. Verse 15: If your brother or sister sins
against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they listen to
you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. Jesus clearly puts the responsibility for the
first step of reconciliation on the person who has been offended, Person
A. Why?
Because, sometimes we sin, “miss the mark,” without even realizing we’ve
done it. Sometimes the only way we will
know is for the person we’ve slighted to point it out directly to us. Therefore, if you have been offended by
someone, you must first go one-on-one in private to the person who has offended
you to point out the offense and to try and understand what happened with that
individual.
Maybe,
after you’ve talked one-on-one, they still don’t get it. They haven’t heard you. So, Step Two: Take a Christian witness with you. Verse 16: But if they won’t listen, take with you one or two others so that every word may be established by the mouth
of two or three witnesses. Take one or two others with you who are
committed to both of you and who want to see the relationship restored between you. Do not take people who will choose
sides. The purpose of this witness is to
help the two of you speak and listen for the truth in love for the purpose of
understanding each other and restoring your relationship.
Maybe there’s still no reconciliation at this point. So, Step Three:
ask for help from the church. Maybe you
need to ask someone from church leadership to speak to the offender with
you. That could be the pastor, or a
member of the SPRC, or the Lay Leader, or any number of people. Again, that person is not there to take
sides, but to continue to listen for and speak the truth in love, with the
purpose of understanding and restoring the relationship.
Maybe it still hasn’t worked. Verse 17 says to treat them like you would a tax collector or a Gentile. What that means is that Step
Four is to regard them as one who has chosen to remain outside the
boundaries of belonging to the Body of Christ.
If the offender, after all those steps, still refuses to do what is
needed to restore the relationship, then the church responds by treating the
individual as one who has stepped outside of, and chooses to remain outside of,
the fellowship of the Body of Christ.
But, this doesn’t make them an outcast. It’s critically important for us to also
acknowledge how Jesus regarded pagans and corrupt tax collector as we determine
how to treat a brother or sister in this situation. What did Jesus do to tax collectors and
sinners? He loved them, while also
making it clear what behaviors and attitudes were expected and required to be
part of the community of believers.
Likewise, our willingness and commitment to reconcile among one another
as believers is one of the most crucial among these expectations.
When I
look at this process, one thing stands out clearly to me. 99% of conflict can be resolved at Step
One. And yet, 99% of the time, we skip
to Step Three or Step Four. This doesn’t
resolve conflict; it magnifies it. It
brings people into the conflict who have nothing to do with it. We talk about each other rather than to
each other.
We talk
about people before we talk to them because we trust our own way more than we
trust Jesus’ way. In all his teachings
in Scripture, Matthew 18 is the only place where he gives detailed step-by-step
instructions. Jesus knew that we would
try to make things right “our way” rather than his, with the best of
intentions, certainly, but that doing it our way would ultimately harm our
relationships and the Body of Christ as a whole. When we follow our own pattern of talking
about people rather than to them, another sin results, the sin of gossip.
It’s
said, “loose lips sink ships.” They sink
congregations, too. I want you to meet Person A and Person B. Person B has offended Person A, and again,
Jesus has made it very clear that Person A must go to Person B privately,
one-on-one, in order for reconciliation to take place. But too often, we go to a third party. Person A, instead of talking to Person B,
tells Person C. What does Person C have to do with it? Absolutely nothing. But now, all of a sudden, they’re part of the
conflict, which is starting to grow. And
then, what if person C gets on the phone and tells Person D,
P, M, and Z, and then all of them get on the
phone and call a few others, well,
you can see how the conflict snowballs and involves a whole bunch of people who
have nothing to do with it. It’s the sin
of gossip and triangulation. Everyone is
talking about the incident, except for the only two people who
can resolve it – Person A, and Person B.
Why are
we mortified to talk directly to someone about whatever the issue is, but we
are not
mortified to call 17 other people and tell them about it?
Proverbs
26:20: Without wood, a fire goes
out. Without gossip, a quarrel dies down.
Gossip
in our relationships is highly corrosive, and is the greatest sin that
threatens the Body of Christ today.
Gossip magnifies the original offense and forces Person A and Person B
farther and farther apart. What was
initially an offense that involved only two individuals becomes an invasive
cancer that can threaten the entire Body.
We must
remember that ONLY Persons A and B can reconcile the relationship through the
grace of God and the unifying work of the Holy Spirit. However, when other parties get involved
without Persons A and B working together to heal the relationship, these two
individuals are often forced further apart, and healing is delayed or
destroyed.
What do
we do if we find ourselves as Person C?
The only appropriate and godly action is for Person C to show compassion
to Person A, and then redirect Person A to go one-on-one in private to Person
B. Furthermore, Person C should talk to
no one except God, committing to pray for reconciliation between the two.
It
happens sometimes that Person A shows up in my office to tell me what Person B
did. And I say, “Hold on, there. Before you tell me anything, have you talked
directly to them?” And there’s usually
this uncomfortable silence, and then I’ll say, “Tell ya what, before you talk
to me, you need to talk to them.
Do not
pass Go, do not collect $200, until you have talked directly, privately,
one-on-one, face-to-face, to the person, so that the relationship can be
restored. People sometimes say, “You’re just direct because you’re from the
North.” No, I’m direct because Jesus
told us to be. 99% of conflict would be
resolved, right there, if we would intentionally commit to talk to
people and not about them.
Remember,
for Christians, the goal is always reconciliation. Before you share something, before you speak,
before you CC someone on that email, ask yourself why you’re doing it. Is your goal reconciliation? Or are you trying to get people over to your
side? Prove a point? Look good?
Make someone else look poorly? Giving
the old pot a stir just to see what bubbles up?
Does it have anything to do with you?
Will it fan the flames of conflict, turning a brushfire into an inferno,
when you could rob the fire of fuel, and help it die down?
Friends,
too many incidents of conflict are bigger and involve more people than they
should. 99% of conflict can be resolved
at Step One, by talking to each other, and not about
each other.
Reconciliation
takes place on a small stage, usually with only two people. Two or three, united in Christ, that’s the
basic building block of the body of Christ.
My
Dad’s first pastorate was in a town of 700 people about 60 miles north of
Oklahoma City. The two big industries
there were oil and agriculture. There
were two farm equipment dealers in town – one who sold John Deere equipment,
and the other who sold Case Harvester International equipment. They were competitors.
They
were also members of my Dad’s church, and every week, they arrived to worship
about 15 minutes early so they talk, and the goal of that weekly meeting in the
back corner of the sanctuary was to go over the previous week, and to make sure
that in their dealings with each other they had been fair and honest. On the off chance that one had offended or
wronged the other, whether intentionally or unintentionally, forgiveness was
sought and extended, and then, together, they came to worship, having each
grown a little bit, and having grown closer to each other.
Conflict
is natural, inevitable, and actually essential to refine who we are, whose we
are, and what we are to be about.
Conflict cannot harm us; how we respond to it can.
Let’s
start by talking to each other rather than about each other. If we can do that, we’ll already be 99% of
the way there.
I am indebted to Rev. Beth Crissman
and her book, Longing
to Belong, in the creation of this
sermon.